I guess you thought all cats were sweet. T

UUMPH!, UUMPH

I sat at La Floridita bar in Havana. Ava Gardner perched on a bar stool to my

left and my best friend in the world, Earnest Hemingway on my right. We had been

drinking sugar free rum daiquiris and telling tall tales for hours when Ava slipped her

hand to my thigh and leaned over to kiss me. Her eyes were luminous pools of desire

and her rose lips quivered slightly as her face drew closer. I closed my eyes and………

Meow! Meo…………w!

She started to lick my face, not Ava but my eighteen pound calico, Miss Kitty.

I closed my eyes and saw Ava fade away from my dream.

“Damn it Miss Kitty, you know better.”

She snuggled closer. Meow! Meow!

“What do you want, cat?”

“You of all people know, my breakfast.”

I bolted out of bed and searched my room for the voice.

“What are you looking for Dean.”

I froze in stride. The calico had just talked to me. When I tried to speak to her,

“ Uumph uumph” Lord, I couldn’t utter a word.

I stumbled to my kitchen, opened a can of Friskies for Miss Kitty, threw my

clothes on and bolted out the door. I practiced speaking in my car as I traveled through

traffic, nothing but ‘uumph, uumph.’

The First National Bank Of Miami’s sign greeted me as I entered the foyer, took

the elevator to the ninth floor. ’uumph, uumph,’ nothing. Doris Dinglefoot my blonde

receptionist with a 1950’s bullet bra chest, greeted me with a smile.

“Good morning Mr. Davenport.”

“uumph, uumph,” I answered.

“Do you have a bad cold sir?”

“Uumph!” .

I disappeared into my office after shaking no at Doris. Twelve messages sat to be

returned. Damn cat placed a spell on me. “Uumph-waaa” Well, at least that was a

different sound. The rest of my morning floated in the toilet. Two vice presidents strolled

in for a quick meeting and exited just as fast to “Waaa Uumph Waaa.”

I practiced my best drunk stagger, walked up to Miss Dinglefoot leaning at fifteen

degrees, put my hands on her shoulders and started to play walkie down her chest. .

“For Pete sakes Mr. Davenport, not now.”

“Uumph, Waaa, Wass, Umphawaaa.”

I was back in the elevator and to my car like a rocket, only not fast enough, for

Doris ran behind the bumper, screaming,

“At least let me drive you home sir.”

I stuck my head out the window,

“Uumphuumphwaaauumph” and I pushed the petal to the metal and drove down

the Dixie highway toward home. I pulled in my driveway after receiving a three hundred

dollar ticket for driving while being mentally retarded. I roared through my garage

barely stopping before plowing though the back wall, and burst through the door.

　

　

　

　

Miss Kitty sat on the carpet looking like a fur lined bowling pin slightly portly in

a pissed off attitude,

“Are you ready to deal Dean?”

She gave me the creeps talking to me.

“Uumph wass cump ha!” I answered.

:”Here’s the deal,” she purred. “I want my breakfast. promptly at five in the

morning. Lunch at noon and dinner at five. Don’t forget my snacks, okay?”

“Uumph”

.. . Clean my litter box twice a day.”

“Uumph.”

Lastly, spend as much time with me as you do with Miss Dinglefoot. Deal?

Uumph ………….Yes!”

“Meow Meo………w.”

“I know, lunch time, give me a minute